Where it all started

What were your first thoughts when you saw those two little pink lines? Or when your partner told you that she was pregnant? I remember how excited I was, and downright terrified. Becoming a new mom sounded so amazing, and yet so scary all in the same moment. You are growing a human and soon birthing and raising that human… Perfectly scary. 

When I first found out I was pregnant with Brynlee, I had every feeling going through my brain. So happy to be welcoming a new baby to our family. Scared at the thought of having to fully trust myself to raise this little babe. Nervous about the whole pregnancy, giving birth, and then having a newborn, along with other stresses like paying bills, buying baby items, and groceries… You know, the typical “I'm pregnant stress”.

I had a pretty easy pregnancy, especially in the first trimester. Not to brag here, but I didn't have any morning sickness, no food or smell aversions, and was pretty comfortable during all that time. Along with the first few weeks into my second trimester.

My 20-week appointment is where everything changed. I remember being so excited going into the appointment. I was about to find out if my baby was a little girl or a little boy. It was going to be so amazing and then I would have my gender reveal with my family that night. 

The tech got me back into the ultrasound room, got the cold jelly on my belly, and started to look at my baby. Within seconds she asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby…  duh.. I wish I had known the sex the day I found out I was pregnant. She then pointed to the screen and said “That is a baby girl”. It took me around 5 minutes of arguing with the tech for me to believe I was having a girl. 

The joy of finding out I was having a baby girl slowly started to drift away when I realized the tech was spending a lot of time measuring and capturing pictures of my baby's head. It felt like we were sitting there for hours just looking at her head, I knew then something had to be wrong. 

The tech obviously couldn't tell us anything. Just that our doctor would be in to talk to us in a moment. We waited for what felt like hours before the doctor lady came in. She then started talking about how my baby was “missing half of her brain”. As you can imagine, my heart and mind stopped there. The doc lady then gave me options on stopping my pregnancy as my baby wouldn’t survive with half a brain. 

After I told her that would never be an option for me, she set me up with an appointment in two days to see a high-risk specialist.

I decided I didn't want to take the joy away from my family that night… They were about to find out I was having a baby girl and didn't have answers to the questions I knew they would be asking. 

I cried and filled the inside of the cupcakes with pink and smiled through the night. I remember telling myself “It is okay to be happy, I am having a girl!”.

The longest two days of my life went by very slowly. I got into the specialist's office and right away felt a calm over me. When I got back to the ultrasound room the tech walked me through everything she was looking at. When she got to the brain she said “And there is the baby's healthy brain”

Excuse me, healthy brain…. 

She then went to the spine and told me that my baby had Spina Bifida. I had never heard of that before… I asked about why the other tech said my baby was missing her brain and she then told me that Brynlee also had something called Arnold Chiari II Malformation (this is what made her first ultrasound look as if she was missing half her brain since her brain was pushed back a little more than normal)… Still.. Hadn’t heard of that either. She reassured me that my baby may require surgeries, a wheelchair, and lots of extra care… but most of all, my baby would be okay when she was born. 

After I had more answers I finally was ready to tell my parents about everything. I remember how scared I was. I truly had the impression that I caused something to be wrong with my baby. (Which wasn't the case).

I remember the tears, the questions, the worries, and the fear… But most of all, I remember how every single person in my family reassured me that they would be right by our side and help with this new journey for us. At that moment, I knew we would be okay. 

From 20 weeks till I gave birth, I had an ultrasound every week and appointments with my specialist. Brynlee grew like a champ, as she continued to grow we would see (and feel!!) her moving her legs and toes. She was measuring perfectly. We had made a plan that when it was time for her to be born, I would have a c-section to make sure we kept her safe. 

At 38 weeks, on August 25, 2016, I went into the hospital around 6:45 pm.. and at 7:15 pm I had a beautiful, 7lb 8oz, baby girl!! 

In the next blog, I will talk more about Spina Bifida and Arnold Chiari and what they looked like in B’s case.